Its amazing how much pain one can carry while walking around in one’s daily life. Especially interesting is that I can do this without most people being aware that I’m a wreck.
If I say I’m having a bad week, most people act surprised. “Why?” they ask. At that point, I don’t even have the energy to explain its because my life has been destroyed and there really is no way for me to fix it.
This is extremely hard for a control freak like me to accept. I bought into the pull-yourself-up-by-the bootsraps plan in life, and oftentimes have succeeded while using this philosophy. But it doesn’t work right now.
It really sucks. Why this week? Why now? I’m really not doing anything differently, except perhaps truly knowing in my heart of hearts that things are not “getting better” and I’m not sure how and if they ever will.
It’s like being maimed. Or living in purgatory. Or maybe hell.
I can see why people start heavily using drugs and alcohol.
Hopefully I can avoid this by exercising/meditating every day, although that doesn’t even seem to be working lately.