I’d like to report that things are just peachy around here and I’m getting on with life, but really I am beginning to understand what a fair amount of folks who have been through similar tragedies have told me: the second year is harder than the first.
I think my first year, although tough and sad and crazy in many ways, was also a year of denial. Denial that my living standards will have to change. Denial that perhaps I won’t be able to afford to live in the house I love, send my kids to the school we all love or remain self employed, which I really love. More potential for loss after such huge loss is terrifying.
At the same time, the tsunami of support we were washed away in last year is down to a steady, loving trickle from a small core of angels. I am grateful for all that we receive.
Combine these reality checks with the shitty economic news and the fact that I have two houses on the market that I’ve paid for out of pocket with cash and with credit cards and it was enough to drive me to prescription anti-anxiety meds for the first time in my life this week.
It seems as there are no longer any givens in my life. Other than the fact that I have relentless insomnia. It’s very disturbing.
And how to restructure EVERYTHING sometimes seems so overwhelming that I just have to lie down and do nothing during the day (except my brain keeps on going). Frequently, it’s all I can do to get food on the table and do laundry. Not a good state to be in when one really needs to be creative about one’s circumstances.
We have managed some fun along the way. But then I go do something with just me the kids, like attend the film festival in town this weekend, and I feel so lonely without Mike with us. We’ve been really lucky lately in that there have been few outings/activites we’ve done by ourselves. I just really miss having an intact family.
The kids seem to be doing fine in school; Avery has met new friends in kindergarten and has discovered a love of and knack for sewing (just like his dad). He is still a wild child, not that easy.
Marley loves first grade and is enjoying Spanish and Russian and music and movement and handwork classes.
They both seem so happy at school. I’m going to try harder than anything to keep them there, even if it means selling my house and doing some major downsizing and (gasp) getting a real job. Somehow, that loss wouldn’t seem nearly as big as having to pull them out of their environment at school.
But I do have some more self-employment ideas up my sleeve before I go too conventional.
Risk these days just doesn’t seem to make as much sense as it used to.
Three themes I’m trying to focus on this year:
Simplify. Lead. Don’t Panic.