Wow, this has been a humdinger of a bad week. (Last Sunday through Friday in particular). No one thing specifially bad, other than what our life is like w/o Mike. But emotionally and physical pain very near the surface at almost all times. The clouds finally broke up a bit on Saturday.
Lots of tears, closed tight chest and throat. And missing Mike, longing for his presence and wanting so badly to undo what has been done.
For instance, as I ate ice cream with Marley and Avery one evening, I mentioned that strawberry had been Mike’s favorite ice cream flavor. Sharing this snippet of information was enough to give my heart a gigantic jab of pain and got me crying for nearly an hour.
Or Marley mentioning a book they are reading at school about a “tomten”, or little elf, who takes care of all the barnyard animals in the night. We have that book. Mike found a copy of it during a production job and he loved that story.
How special that a grown man was so fond of elves and barnyard creatures! I loved that about him and wish he had stuck around for the kids to have clear memories about that aspect (and so many other aspects) of their father. For me, these thoughts casued an emotional train wreck from breakfast until lunchtime one day. And on and on and on ad nauseum.
God I miss him.
But also I somehow got a lot of work done. Dealt with several tenant issues, had at one time 10 people working on the 4th Ave house, and did two photo jobs to boot.
Despite the productivity/speed of work and emotional rollercoaster (mostly headed straight down at a breakneck pace), life and every other experience seems rather flat. I can logically say something is interesting or beautiful or terrible or whatever, but I don’t really feel it in my bones.
Its the epitome of being a detached observer. A bit frightening, I must say.