It’s hard to figure what reality is. I keep telling myself that basically I’m okay. But then I find myself in a public situation, at a store or in church and I feel completely spaced out. I can’t make decisions about what to buy. I’ve purchased virtually nothing for the upcoming holidays, though I ‘ve intended to on many occasions. Or I forget why I am doing something. Or I can’t begin to think about anything to talk about. Oftentimes, I only feel half present.
Oftentimes, I don’t feel sad until I am at home with the kids by myself.
I miss so much sharing being a parent with Mike. Not just for sharing the burden, but really for sharing the joy. It breaks my heart to not share the pride, the milestones , the warmth, the love and the togetherness we felt at the dinner table together. That is one of the hardest things. Knowing that no one will love my children like Mike. Nobody.
It feels very lonely. Like my life is over and it has become simply a role of duty. An important, but flat and joyless role.