I’m finding it harder to write lately. Perhaps its the holidays and Marley’s birthday and accompanying festivities combined with the house on 4th Ave really gearing up and keeping me busy. Perhaps its because I feel like there’s not a lot new to say. Things are still hard. I’m still grateful for the 1-2 times per week that people have been so graciously bringing meals to us. It would be unbearably difficult if it weren’t for that.
Even with the meal help, getting dinner, cleaning after meals, baths, laundry, all of the office work I used to do while Mike went out and did what I am now doing on the house needs to get done. By me, of course. It would be overwhelming, I’m sure in ordinary circumstances. And we all know that these are not ordinary circumstances. It’s baptism by fire into single momdom and its hard. I didn’t vote for this. But this isn’t a democracy and my opinion doesn’t matter, does it?
By Sunday, I usually feel guilty for not having made any decent meal during the week and so I spend some time cooking, which I really enjoy. We have always had nice family meals on Sunday. But my pleasure is short lived if the kids choose not to eat (like tonight) and I wonder why I just wasted half the afternoon cooking. At least Mike would have appreciated it. I really miss all of the things in life we appreciated together. Food, our kids, knowing that no matter what, we would be there for one another.
Which of course, in the end, is ultimately not true no matter what relationship we’re talking about (the always being there for each other part). Relationships always end; some sooner than later.
I guess it’s going to be a tough and lonely road for a while now. Just getting the basics taken care of is a major feat. Doing it without feeling like I’m going to scream, implode or go numb is virtually impossible.