First, a rant. Then a question about quilters.

Still not a great day.

Before I ask about quilters, let me rant a bit.

I seem to go for a while thinking things are okay, and then the bottom drops out again–you’d think I’d learn the routine.  I just like to think that the despair, grief and sadness will someday be bad memories only.  But they come back into my life like unexpected and unwanted guests with little rhyme or reason for their comings and goings (other than the obvious overall situation).  I have a good week and wham, before I get too cocky they’re back to remind me that I have no business feeling competent, energetic, or even mildly happy.

I’m just so overwhelmed about how to reconstruct life.  And its still so hard to imagine never ever seeing Mike again.  Never seeing him work in the yard/garden.  Never hearing his laugh, seeing him smile.  Never  enjoying a meal, feeling his touch, travelling, nothing never again.  Man, I’d even settle for a good argument at this point.  But fate isn’t settling.  I’ve lost the bet big time.

Watching the yard and garden fall apart as I figure out how to deal with them.   I’d love to do much of it myself if I didn’t have to work for a living and provide every other thing necessary for the household by myself.

All while feeling like weekends will forever suck/be lonely/a constant reminder of what we lack.  A deformed and disfigured family.  Freaks.

Imagining my Marley and Avery without a dad FOREVER and how this will shape their lives (I, of course, am imagining this in only negative light).

The stress and sadness I feel physically; tight throat, shortness of breath.  Its really intense.  What is the purpose of suffering like this?  I can’t figure it out.  Makes life seem kind of pointless.

All of this even though I’ve enjoyed dinner with friends (thanks Melody and Zane), had yard help (thanks Anton and Yan) and contact w/other friends, family and church members.  Scary to think how awful it would be without this support.

But I do have a question, the answer to which may provide Marley and Avery some comfort throughout their lives:  does anyone know of a skilled, reputable quilter who I could commission to make two smallish (throw sized) quilts for them out of Mike’s clothing?  I found someone that does this online and may go with her, but thought it might be neat to go with someone local or someone who might know us or the kids.  Or someone who has done work for someone I know.

I also feel a little funny shipping off Mike’s clothing to upstate New York.  Kind of feel as though if something were to happen, like the quilts never got made, I’d have little to no recourse.

I’d like to get that project started ASAP, so any advice would be appreciated.