After having some peaceful, productive and friend-filled days, nothing is more disheartening than coming back to the hard cold facts (and for about two weeks now, they seem harder and colder than ever):
I will likely be a single mom for the next 14 years. The negative images that this conjures up are daunting: doing all the work, both domestic and breadwinning. For fourteen fucking years. If there is some obvious lesson in all of this other than I must have really bad karma, please enlighten me.
By the time the child-rearing phase of my life is over, what will I have left? I won’t even know who I am.
Some smart people told me to STOP projecting this far into the future. Usually, I have a hard time doing this. I am a planner by nature.
But even just looking at today, this month, this year, there is no one @ home to give me a break from the stress. Ever. I remember in the past thinking how hard it must be for single moms who only have an every other weekend break from children. Now I envy them and their ability to have some semblance of personal life/freedom.
I miss coming home to another adult who understands and appreciates the challenges and joys of raising children together. I miss Mike’s spontaneous hugs, back rubs, encouragement . Amazing how you can take for granted the comfort of being with someone who knows so much about you and loves you despite your crazy habits, past and present.
I long for Mike to just be here, like he always used to be. But he’s not and I’m haunted with reminders of he-who-abandoned-us at every turn. I miss the knowing, the warmth.
Are things getting better? In a way they’re getting worse. Maybe I’m finally getting out of the shock phase of grief. This is the real deal, it ain’t going away, despite my protests. Are things getting better? Doubtful, if measured by the fact that the first thought every morning before I open my eyes, is “Mike is dead.”
And throughout the day, he is never far from my thoughts and always in what is left of my heart.
Despite the fact that I get up in the morning and function, a large part of me has also died. Sometimes, I see that I will heal, I am, perhaps, healing already. The children will heal, and are, perhaps healing already.
Other times its hard to to believe that one can recover from such a blow. Its still too big for me to wrap my brain around.
This is one hell of a roller coaster ride. I’d love to get off and get back to normal. Whatever that is.
Chris – things will get better. Hold onto that hope. Everyday the change is going to be infinitesimal; you won’t know that you’ve healed until after you’ve already gone through it (I think it’s like how they say that we don’t officially know there’s a recession until it’s over).
At some point you’ll wake up and think, “damn, some eggs would be pretty good…maybe with basil in them…and some toast with apple butter…hell yeah, that’d be MF’n good….” And by thinking of something mundane like that, you’ll realize that you’ve moved on. Ok, maybe I’m just playing pop psychologist, but that’s what I think and I am always right.. It won’t be that you’ve forgotten or dishonored him or the collective “you” (as a couple) by finding some peace, or that you’ve lost anything that you had before (though you might be tempted to think those things), but that you’re simply ready for wherever life takes you next. When you find that peace, embrace it because you deserve it. Part of the reason that grief is so strong is because we all feel guilty to let go of the grief because it somehow feels like we’ve forgotten or something. But that’s really not true.
As for the 14 fucking years, I don’t have the answer for that road because it’s a mystery. But I’ll say this: I guarantee that in 14 years you won’t be alone. I’d put money on it. You’ve got a lot to offer anyone and you’ll be fielding a lot of offers.
BUT, and this is the key, you won’t be ready for any of that until you wake up one morning and think, “damn, some eggs would be pretty good…maybe with basil in them….and some toast with apple butter.” I guess it’s a goofy way of saying that you have to start small and take baby steps first. And I can’t tell you when that’s going to be. You can’t predict it and you can’t force it. It just has to happen on it’s own. My guess is that the more that you want that the longer it will take because life’s like that. Could be 3 years, could be next year, could be next month (although I doubt it’s next month, but I also doubt that it will be as long as 3 years either).
so [grand finale and drum roll to my genius late-night rambling advice to you], as others have said, hang in there. There’s many people thinking about you. AND we can babysit for you sometime too.