It’s always hectic visiting home (MN). Usually just before I leave for MN, I always think I’ve booked too much time here , but inevitably by the end of the trip, I’m wedging in visits with more and more people. And always, I leave having socialized heavily and feeling like I need a vacation.
This time is no different, except that I will be leaving on a (real) vacation within two weeks of returning to AL after this trip. Oh yeah, and this is the first time I’ve ever been back here without Mike, my fellow native St. Paulite.
I always feel so divided about MN. As a place, I love it. There is a wonderful arts scene, great restaurants, outdoor activities, etc etc, but yet, there’s always something sad about coming back too.
For instance, visiting my 90 year old grandmother in the nursing home and feeling that this is so wrong, but not having an answer about how to do it better. Or old family hurts that tend to resurface. Or favorite haunts that have changed radically from how I remember them. Or everyone looking a bit more gray, heavy, and/or wrinkled.
And, of course, being in my hometown without Mike. This is where we grew up and he is no longer here. It’s haunting. Everything from driving by our first apartment to having a beer at the bar where we met to driving by the Minnesota State Fairgrounds, where we spent the day as a family together last August on a great family vacation haunts me.
Not to mention how family dynamics seem so different without Mike in the mix. And the fatigue and frustration of always having to tote the kids with me or arrange for childcare. It’s exhausting.
This is definitely something I needed to do, though. I need to experience all facets of my life, including our hometown, as the lone adult in my immediate family. It makes Mike’s death more and more real. And facing our old stomping grounds alone will allow me to move on with my life.
It’s definitely about growth and I’m doing my best to embrace what is and learn from it.
But home will surely never be the same again. I’ve lost a big part of my history.