At first, I blamed it on PMS. That slightly edgy, not-so-good feeling. Then yesterday, November 17, I wrote a check for $11 and all of the sudden it hit me: November 18 would have been our 11th anniversary.
Instead of celebrating, I am trying to live in the moment and trying not to project anything too far in the future, lest I get panicky. I feel stuck, like I’m spinning my wheels and not really progressing at all.
Watching other people take for granted their holiday plans that have always been there for them takes its toll on me. It is painful knowing that the vast majority of people with children have someone who either takes their kids on the weekends (so they can have a social life or time to reflect/renew) or actually have an intact family and with it, some measure of support from another adult.
I no longer have such luxury.
I know no mentors in that fit my category. Not that I’d wish this fate on anyone. But if they are out there, please give me some advice.
And yes, I guess I’m bitter.
For whatever reason, this is my path. And I can accept that, mostly. What I hate is how my children suffer because of it.
I don’t understand it. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I do want to avoid a full-time job, unless it could somehow miraculously closely match the hours my kids are in school. Currently, I am failing in the world of self employment. It would be so much more simple if I didn’t have to worry about childcare all of the time.
But I do.
Nothing is given. One year from now, I could be out of savings and forced into working full time. It’s difficult to imagine things getting easier. I’ve done an enormous amount of backsliding economically in the past year. (And it is extremely annoying how so many say “yes, times are tough for everyone.” )
Yet, none of these people have lost their spouse AND see their businesses slipping away AND are quickly draining their savings AND might have to move AND change the school their children attend AND have no one who can take care of their kids, etc, etc.
I guess I should feel lucky that I’ve had a cushion to figure things out for so long. But mostly I’m perplexed because no good or easy answers have materialized.
Maybe Mike’s spirit can give me some answers/help me see a path that has promise for my anniversary present. It’s the least he could do for his children who miss him immensely and who will lose out big time if their mother can’t be around much of the time either.
I’ve been working with these problems for a while now, employing both practical and intuitive means, to little avail.
Thanks to all who have helped in big and small ways.
I hope I can be of service, too.
Namaste