I have a really mundane voice mail message from Mike on my cell phone. Every time it pops up into my ear, I am startled and then strangely comforted. I guess I’m pretending that if his voice is so close and so real that everything must really be okay.
But today, other clues point to a different reality, starting with the 2-hour interview with a Birmingham News reporter who is working on an extended obituary (called “Farewells” in the Sunday paper) for Mike. Then some conversations with several people about business matters (all involving the fact that Mike is no longer my business partner), and finally a good hour working on the altar in Mike’s memory at Bare Hands Gallery for this Friday’s Day of the Dead celebration. ++SEE CALENDAR FOR MORE DETAILS-PLEASE ATTEND, IF POSSIBLE++
It was enough to get me into another crying jag (disturbingly often, these happen while I’m driving the car).
Somehow, doing this altar was supposed to be cleansing, cathartic, but I still feel empty, and in a bit of denial about the finality of the situation.
Mike, the man smiling in all of those photos, so young and vibrant, cannot possibly be gone. But he is.
I am a widow. My children have no father. This is the stuff of fiction, of Hollywood; not my life. This cannot possibly be the script for my life. But it is. Damn it all to hell.
Then there is the support. Mike McDowell so generously helped me begin to clean out the basement–for at least 9 hours last weekend (it had been my Mike’s personal domain–only he understood how it was organized.) “We’re at least 1/4 of the way through; if you’re patient, you’ll see, we’ll get through it, ” Mike McD. said. How did I ever deseve such kindness?
He’s just one of many saints in this story. Random notes, phone calls, meals, playdates, piano lessons, packages, and money continue to amaze me and give me hope that someday, the nightmarish quality of my family’s life may ever so slowly dissipate into something better. Thank you. Thank you.
May more blessings arise from the ashes of my curse, so that I can be of service to others in the future.
Hi Chris,
Tom forwarded this URL and I just had a chance to read some of it. Very beautiful – thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings.
I have been thinking of you guys a lot.
I am sitting here not really know what to say… layered feelings of sadness mixed with good memories are so hard to express, while not wanting to be insensitive to your loss and the effort of your healing.
The stories that Tom and Art told me of your visit were about the great community you have gathered in your town, cute stories of your kids and how much they are a product of you and Mike, and the great support system you have. The picture painted was of course vailed in an undeniable sadness, but the underlying story is an extremely hopeful one.
Your life is a great work: art, business, children, friends, community, a home. I know we have not been in contact for a long time. But, I have always been proud to hear of the happiness in your life and the way you live it. Rock on girlfriend 🙂
I’m sure that these days, weeks, months are and will be some of the most painful you have had in your journey. But, as much as you can and when you are ready, take moments here and there to stop and value the gems that are around you. And, know that one day it there be more ease than difficulty, more happiness than sadness, and more peace than emptiness.
As a friend at a distance, I don’t know what to do other than send you my love and thoughts. If there is something that you think of that you need and you connect me to that thought… please act on it and let me know – a day from now or a year from now. I offer you anything you need.
Dan Sheehan
612-889-3866