It’s funny how often in the past week or so that I find myself looking at a blue sky or the vibrant colors of autumn and simply remarking in my head “this is beautiful.” Only a few days ago did it occur to me that I don’t actually feel that feeling. Or really much of any feeling.
You know how you can sometimes just breathe in natural beauty and feel like you’re a part of something big and wonderful? Well, for me the emotion and awe is gone.
Then I realized that although my logical brain seems to be functioning quite well for the most part, the emotional /heart side seems to be a complete void. Which is rather disturbing, in a logical, rather than passionate sort of way.
A couple of people have remarked that this is a self protective measure, a way to keep the pain from hitting all at once. That makes a lot of sense.
But tonight the void seems to have become filled with heart ripping, throat closing, panic inducing pain. And a fair amount of gut wrenching sobbing and a flood of tears.
No particular reason. Holiday Faire, a sweet, fun and beautiful fundraiser at the school happened today. A happy occasion with friends that we all enjoyed today (the kids and I) that we all used to enjoy during the previous four years (Mike, the kid(s) and I). I was fine all day; only felt weepy during the Irish dance part of the entertainment (again, not quite sure what the trigger was there).
But tonight, it’s just fallen apart. Thank goodness, in a way. I feel a bit more human and quite a bit more miserable, but even that seems okay too. You start to understand (sort of) why people might be driven to cut themselves. Having no feeling is kind of like living in purgatory. A nice bloody cut could liven things up a bit.
Of course, in my case, there’s plenty of impatience for the kids and stress for myself (mostly caused by myself), so I’m never completely without emotion. Don’t worry. I’m not looking for razor blades just yet. Anger/stress/sob attacks seem to be accomplishing the same for me right now.
I do wonder whether Mike misses me/realizes how messed up I am (do you know how many times I’ve lost my keys this week? How many details from last week, yesterday, today I can’t even recall? And I mean it’s way worse than normal for those of you saying, “yeah Chris, you’ve always been like that”).
Does he want to tell me something? Apologize to the kids for leaving them? Hug/kiss/hold me? I sure as hell wish he’d do all of the above. Shit, I’d settle for one of those things right now.
But of course, that won’t happen. Leaving me to wonder what this is all about and what I’m supposed to be doing.
Not to mention how our kids will get through all of this.
It’s enough to inspire a good bout of insomnia.
Chris,
Try to be strong, but when you can’t, let it out. That is necessary part of healing. Better to feel something than nothing at all. This is all still new to you… it takes the heart a long time to understand… and slowly come back to life.
You can function because you have to, and because of that, your children will be just fine.
I’m sure Mike misses you, and is probably there watching over you, wanting to help you find your keys. As for the hugs and kisses, I believe they come in other forms after someone we love is gone… a beautiful sky, a cool breeze, a butterfly or the sound of the ocean. You are still both part of the same universe and you will hear him if you just listen.
Give yourself time, and try to sleep when you can. You and the kids will make it through this. My thoughts are with you.
Peace and Strength,
Sonja