Creating an Urban Homestead
Until I had children, I never noticed this phenomenon.
Sometimes, when I look at their facial expressions, gestures, or body movements, I “see” other relatives, ancestors, in them. Usually, this is simply a brief moment or a few seconds at the most, when all of the sudden, I am not looking at my child, but Elmer Buck, my mothers father, or someone else living or dead that came before them. I don’t conciously try to do this, it just happens. Continue reading “Passing Clouds”
The tempting thing to write is something like, “hopefully, 2008 will be a better year.” How trite. Better? That’s a stretch.
I imagine that the process of slowly reconstructing my life, hopes and dreams from the pile of rubble that it is now, along with raising two young children on my own will mostly be a struggle far beyond anything I’ve experienced in any other year of my life. Oh, and figuring out how to make enought money to pay the bills, too. Oh, and trying not to go insane with grief.
“Rejoice” “Believe”
The words written in white lights taunted from the banks the Pecos River. Admirable sentiments. Continue reading “Rejoice, Believe”
It’s true, the holidays can be tough for everyone, especially those who grieve. In my mind I’ve kind of pooh-poohed this idea, but today after a family gathering where I couldn’t stop thinking about things in reference to Mike (“Mike would have thought that was funny,” “it would be so much easier if Mike were here to help with the kids”, “Mike had a grin similar to Alex’s” and on and on and on ad nauseum). Continue reading “Family gatherings”
I’m finding it harder to write lately. Perhaps its the holidays and Marley’s birthday and accompanying festivities combined with the house on 4th Ave really gearing up and keeping me busy. Perhaps its because I feel like there’s not a lot new to say. Things are still hard. I’m still grateful for the 1-2 times per week that people have been so graciously bringing meals to us. It would be unbearably difficult if it weren’t for that.
It’s hard to figure what reality is. I keep telling myself that basically I’m okay. But then I find myself in a public situation, at a store or in church and I feel completely spaced out. I can’t make decisions about what to buy. I’ve purchased virtually nothing for the upcoming holidays, though I ‘ve intended to on many occasions. Or I forget why I am doing something. Or I can’t begin to think about anything to talk about. Oftentimes, I only feel half present. Continue reading “Doing my duty”
Wow, this has been a humdinger of a bad week. (Last Sunday through Friday in particular). No one thing specifially bad, other than what our life is like w/o Mike. But emotionally and physical pain very near the surface at almost all times. The clouds finally broke up a bit on Saturday. Continue reading “What a week”